All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. He is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and she is a lively, sweet, loving woman. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. 6. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. And it can leave you feeling down, or . He would have been sent to prison. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. It actually isnt. , but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. I am ashamed to be part of this family. I'll work on it, for sure. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! To me, that is what a mother does. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. I cried and believed you would rescue me. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. Can you and your mom and sibs get some family counseling? You had let me down. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. And that's ok. , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? Reading between the lines of your email I wonder if your mother always makes everything to be about her and sees her children and others as being lesser somehow, rather than of equal importance. Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the. I remember that she was angry. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. I missed out on 20 years. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. I relate to so very much of this! Thank you! This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. Of course, you couldnt have. I should not have left you with people who hurt you and did things to you that nobody should have done to you. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. Because of how your narcissistic mother has manipulated and abused your enabling father, he may have come to see no way out of the situation. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. Working with a therapist can, of course, clear away some of the brush. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional . (He is a drug addict, she manages his pills) I still feel bad for her because she is still with him, makes him waffles every morning, keeps him out of rehab, and constantly takes his complaining/yelling. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Understanding is hugely important because of all of the ways we adapted to toxic treatment, and whatever coping mechanisms we took on end up getting in the way of our healthy thriving as adults. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. I dont want you my life or space ever again. That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. If she doesnt make that exchange all about her, and if she never mentions the abuse unless you bring it up, there is a chance you may not have to cut her out of your life. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. One of my older siblings had recently run away from home, an act of defiance that left my mother reeling. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. I know I said this, but I truly, honestly relate to your description of your mother. You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn't understand what was happening) and that it was your parents' responsibility to intervene and. That was the family story, and they have never deviated from it, not in 50 years. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. She could have done better. I wish I had an answer for you. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. We had a new house, a new life, so things should be okay now. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. If you award her that good mother label what happens to your experience? I'm mad that my kids never met Grandma. It happened when I was five or six. Only you can know that. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. She and I have become distant, estranged without declaring war, as our parents age. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. Thank you very much. Individuals must not push themselves or be pushed to do the thing they fear prematurely. The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. An empty chair was a better father than him. even when they realize the damage she is doing. There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. 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